|
| So, I decided to start blogging again.
But, instead of using this Xanga id, I decided to use blogger.com. I don't know exactly what I'm expecting. Just trying to be different. Change the pace. Switch things up. I don't know if I'll ever come back here. Anything is possible.
If anyone is interested, here is my new blog.
Yep, that's all, folks. Maybe I'll catch you on the flip side.
Merry Christmas...
Doc
| | |
| ...even though I really don't want to.
I want to tell people about it, but I fear that even the mere mention of it will make to much of it. But at the same time, I want it out there...but not for someone to actually see, read or respond to it (gee, Derek, have you've gone around in circles enough?).
So, I thought, "what would be the perfect way to let it out there but have no one hear it? I got it...an old, tired, no one could possibly read it...Xanga post. Perfect."
So, remember my post about the cashier girl at the cafe at my job? Of course not, it was over a year ago. But, you can read up here (third paragraph). Well, then I had an update saying how she had a boyfriend (here).
That's were this entry picks up. Over the past year, we still talked. Or chatted, more like. It was entertaining. I liked it, she liked it. There were good times.
Let me make the point by saying that I still liked he, but...and this is a big but...I was still able to keep my composure. I didn't do what I did in the past keep some type of slim hope that I sill had a chance. I was able to keep my feelings in check. Some times it failed (my "dreams" usually start with dumping her bf), but I was always able to pull myself back. And I am proud of that. It didn't hurt the fact that I slowly realized that she's just a friendly to me as she is to other guys (but only 1 or 2 other girls, though). So, that luckily knocked my ego down a bit. Everything was going good.
But get this, yesterday, she did what she normally does and reveal something personally about her life. What did she reveal...like I even have to say it, but I will...that she broke up with her bf (and he really screwed her over to...but that's not for your ears or eyes).
Now, that nice, comfortable place I was in...you can pretty much imagine how fast all that was thrown out the window.
Now, I can stop thinking about her. Even when I tell myself, "stop thinking about her," I realize that I'm thinking about her.
Now, I'm not stupid (stop it.....), I don't plan on hitting on her "extra hard" now. Right now, I have no plans on changing our interactions. Which, is probably the best thing I can do. My acting is not really changed, it's just my mindset that's all messed.
But back to the moment, she told me. First, of course, I was suppressing jubilation. That lasted for about a couple of hours. Then I started thinking about all that can happen.
Best case scenario...obviously.
But seeing how that never happens to me (my love life is the anti-Disney movie), I don't really expect that. I expect one of the following...all order in better case scenario:
1) She stays single for the near future
2) She starts dating someone else.
2a) She starts dating someone else who works at Meditech (this would really, really suck).
(It's about now I realized that I am making way too much of this...)
So, there's the whole story. I guess I performed a miracle, I have official made a mountain out of a molehill (oh, Derek. Nice to see you haven't found your knack for the properly placed corny joke).
I have no plan, which is probably the best plan. I'm just going to keep doing what I normally do. Crack stupid jokes, have nice chats, then be on my way. Hopefully, my brain will follow suit.
Doubt it...
Sometimes, people just don't change. They only suppress what's natural for them...
Doc
| | |
|
Good site for rules, odds and "good bets" here
| | |
| OK, so I was gonna talk about my 6-12 grade very heavy crush (-ing of myheart & soul). But instead, I want to talk about something else. This girl I knew. Actually, I still know her. I met this girl when she was 13 (I was 17, so let's squash the Ephebophilia (look it up) talk). And man, she was ridiculously hot. She had a crush on me and every one of our mutual friends said, "Derek…you idiot…date/makeout/whatever-teens-do-with-each-other with her." But, of course, I didn't (of course). And you know why I didn't? I had this "2-year age difference" rule (which might have been law back then, who knows). The rule is pretty self explanatory. I had a disease. I think the correct ICD code name is 'Morals'. I didn't want to date anyone that wasn't within two years younger than I (a rule I was willing to break at 18 when I was attracted to what's-her-face, who was 15). I don't know what my Greatest Hits are (LOST reference), but I know that my Worse(-test) Hits would include that decision to not 'engage' her interest (I swear, I am not making a sexual reference when I say 'engage'. I know I had enough morals to at least not try to have sex with a 13 year old. Who the fuck am I kidding, if I dated/made-out with her, I probably would have. Damn school system and their lack of proper sexual education ***fist wave***). I say that it was a bad decision because now, she is 21, and I shit you not, probably the hottest girl I personally know. And who knows what could have happened? I could be dating/engaged to/married to this incredible hot woman (no longer a girl) instead of writing about how I couldhave been dating/engaged to/married to this hot woman (OK, I am only thinking of the possibilities...so back the fuck off) But then again, if all that happened, I could be dead. So, I have to think about that also. So, alas, what is done is done (and what was undone is still undone. And what was undone is done and what was done is undone). Can't reflect on that too much, it can make a person insane. But for purposes of this autobiography, it is said, according to Derek. (Am I ending all my topics with 'According to Derek'. Seems fitting). Doc | | |
| So I have been thinking about writing a Pseudo-Novel about my life. Nothing to dramatic. I'll just take certain areas about my life (break it down into my elementary, junior high, high school, college periods and talk about any significant things I want to say regarding girls I liked, family events, career in sports and of course my school life). I even have the perfect name for it: Fukk a Spell Checker The reason the title is perfect is because I will talk about all my flaws and how I made absolutely no attempt to "spell check" them. Plus, I like that title for obvious resons (<--hint, hint). Because, to tell you the truth, it's not really gonna be a novel (hence the word, pseudo). For a certain topic, I'm just typing with no regards to anything except turning my thoughts into words. I already have a list of things I want to talk about (and I'll try to make it not so "woe is Derek". It will probably be more "What the fuck is wrong with you." My first excerpt (sp?): my grade 6-12 crush (who I probably talked to about, idk, a total of 15 times, even though we shared several classes, a couple of classroom groups and sat within very short vicinity once. Yeah, "What the fuck is wrong with me.") ::::EDIT:::: Oh yeah, I hope not to restate many of the things I said Xanga in the past, so if I do this, it would include very little about whats-her-face. But most likely, if I do this, you guys will never see it...unless you know me personally (because after reading it, you're gonna wish you didn't). | | |
|
